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confronting death

>> Friday, March 23, 2007

i realized that i cannot become a doctor.

i've been prepped by my tito before that i become a doctor and follow his footsteps. i promised when i was in grade school. however, to his dismay, i took a different path in college. here i am, a college graduate with a job in creative writing. last year, i was still considering of going back to college to take up biology units and take the nmat.

but now, i have decided that being a doctor is not the path for me.

two days ago, one of our love birds died in front of my eyes. i noticed the rustling of the newspaper in their cage and i found ranier (don't ask me where my mother got that name for that bird) flapping its wings helplessly. it could not fly, only stumble down. it took short and quick breaths that gave me the creeps. i couldn't do anything because i didn't know what was wrong with him. the best that i could do was to stroke it gently and help it stand up whenever it stumbled. the next thing i knew, it was limp and hard, eyes closed. it was mortifying for me, even for a living thing without a soul.

people find me weird when i say i love to watch gory movies. maybe it's my way of preparing myself to seeing dead people in front of my eyes. however, no matter how may cadavers i have seen in csi, or dead soldiers stacked in 300, it's not enough to prepare me for the real thing.

i remember when i passed by a dead person being rolled out in pgh. the body was wrapped in white bed sheets. i knew that scenario too well. i knew well enough that the body wasn't breathing anymore. i felt the chills. it is a different experience when a dead body is right smack in front of you.

i think seeing a loved one or a friend die will also be the end of my sanity. i can't even imagine them on a hospital bed, waiting for that last breath to escape them. i applaud those who have lost a loved one but was still able to hold their head up high and continue with their normal lives. i don't know if i could do the same. at this moment, i feel so weak.

i can't be a doctor because i can't confront death. i guess it's not for me, too.


lea 8:30 PM  

yea, it`s not only for you.
who can confront death anyways, right? :-)

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