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wanna make it big?

>> Tuesday, October 17, 2006

taken from the inquirer.

10 Things to Making It Big

Some things you could do to become famous

1. Bask in reflected glory. Hang out long enough with famous people, and some of that fame is bound to rub off on you—think “Entourage.” Mid-90s one-hit wonder DJ Alvaro had been largely forgotten, reduced to low-paying gigs at obscure clubs after “Ang Tipo Kong Lalaki,” until she started hanging out with sexpot Aleck Bovick, fanning rumors (never actually confirmed) that they were having a hot, lesbian affair. Corollary to this…

2. Sleep with somebody famous. Or, if they don’t want to sleep with you, cry out that you’re having/fathering his/her baby. By the time the DNA tests come in, you’ll have made the tabloids. Then make a tearful confession.

3. Get a makeover. Liposuction, nose job, boob job—the works. It’s still all about the way you look, baby.

4. “Throw a brick at someone famous.” This was said by the American newspaper columnist Walter Winchell back in the 1930s, but it’s still true today. When in doubt, attack! (See no. 2)

5. Turn gay. Nothing gives a flagging career a shot in the arm like the sudden revelation that you had been living a lie all those years, until the love that dare not speak its name could be silent no longer. Then, preferably, a suitably flamboyant and dramatic “outing,” like Rustom Padilla’s on-cam revelation. (Hey, we knew it all along, but it was still compelling, no?), or a slightly less flamboyant one like Aiza Seguerra’s (these days it’s not enough to be a talented songwriter, you need to be a talented lesbian songwriter to cut it in the music biz).

6. I fought the law, and the law won. If you can’t make it in the entertainment section, try making the front page. Robin Padilla used to do this all the time before he found Allah, but gun toting isn’t the only way to go. Figure in a brawl. Get in a car crash. Get busted for drugs or soliciting in a hotel lobby. Bounce a few checks, even. But make sure the cameras are rolling.

7. If you have to go down, go all the way down. People have a morbid fascination with the aftermath of fame, and the greater the heights, the more catastrophic the fall. Recently, ‘70s torch singer Didith Reyes returned from oblivion when she appeared on the news, jaw swollen like a ripe papaya, apparently a victim of wife battery. TV midget Mahal was also on the news pleading for a gig, any gig, to rescue her from the brink of poverty.

8. Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse. Okay, admittedly this is a little extreme, but if you don’t stick around long enough to be forgotten, you actually up your chances of staying famous. Nobody remembers much of what Rico Yan did, for instance, except that he was once Claudine Barretto’s boyfriend. Claudia Zobel is better remembered for her death in horrific car crash than for any of the bold films she did, and the same could be true for starlet Halina Perez. Soap opera star Julie Vega’s early death eerily resembled a kind of saintly martyrdom, complete with miraculous signs and portents (at least, according to her fans). For pure morbid fascination, however, nothing beats “Miracle of Love,” a film produced by and starring Gabby Concepcion in the early ‘80s co-starring non-actress Roxanne Abad Santos, who was dying of leukemia in real life. She died before the premiere, giving the movie the kind of publicity that money can’t buy.

9. Get a good manager/agent. If you aren’t great at pushing yourself, get somebody else to do it, even if you have to pay them! But when all else fails…

10. Audition for a reality show, even if you have absolutely no talent. Hey, considering the strange mindset of the Filipino viewer (to paraphrase “Philippine Idol” Ryan Cayabyab), that doesn’t seem to be a requirement to getting the votes.


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