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losing friends

>> Tuesday, March 22, 2005

i'm grateful for friends. i don't know where will i be in this world if i didn't have any friends. the down side of it is that there are some that will create a gap between me and them, slowly loosing our friendship.

i've never had true friends until i reached college. i did have best friends when i was in grade school, but as soon as we transferred schools, the "best" in friend was gone. in high school, i was a complete loser. i had friends that never lasted, since we changed sections every year. i did have companions for lunch, projects, and outreaches, but nothing really stayed that long. i wasn't also allowed to go out for mall trips and movies, so friendships only stayed in school. and that was it.

i only found true friends when i entered ateneo and became part of block e. this was one block i would trully call a "barkada". friendships that lasted even if we see others once in a while, friendships that grew deeper because of lunch-outs, birthday treats in the katipunan area, card games before and after classes, and story-telling during sleep-overs. 3 years in college allowed me to be myself and i wasn't afraid to show my past with those people i call my friends. college was the only time i got to have guy friends. all those years, all my friends were girls and no one lasted and knew the real me. but people from the block let me open my thoughts and emotions. i again found the "best" in friends.

the reason i also clicked with the block is that we relate with each other. we had similar problems, personalities, and even interests (duh, shempre pare-pareho ng course. haha.). so whenever i like something, the other likes too. when we decide on one thing, it is always the same thought, or we compromise. i just hope that even if we graduate from college, we would still keep in touch and stay the same as always.

i also won't forget my friends from church. i've met them when i was in grade school, when we were classmates in sunday school. before, i was the youngest from the batch; but now, new members have entered the realm of "sonshine workers". they're still my friends up to now, but only a few of them are really close to me. we were a big family when we were still in sunday school, but i strayed away from them when we graduated from sunday school. after sunday school, the rest of the class went to the youth ministry, while i, didn't go with them. my parents didn't want me to attend the youth ministry because of reasons i couldn't understand. volunteering to be the part of the workers during children's camp is the only way i get to bond with them.

of all my friends from church, there was one who really understood me. i did not really expect that a guy would comfort me with all my "drama moments". with him, i found a good friend. we only became close last year, when he went to school for a company presentation. after that day, i realized that even if we do not get to communicate often, he was a friend who knew me all along. one day we got to talk, there were a lot of things revealed. yet nothing from those realizations lessened the quality of our friendship.

camp is also when i got to meet new friends. i never thought it would go beyond that friendship, but some of them misinterpreted my personality. we are in our teenage years and this is the time when maturity is tested by dealing with the opposite sex. last year was when the word "friends" started to have another word beside it. i began to lose them.

most of my blockmates knew what happened last june. i wasn't expecting it, neither were my parents. i had the blame on my part, for letting that happen. i didn't want it to happen, and i wasn't ready for it. i knew i wasn't prepared for any relationship, especially that of the "loving-loving". i thought that summer that we would only be friends, but he thought otherwise. the friendship ended when i stopped the courting scene.

the other friend is also lost. i thought he understood me right away, the soon as i told him of my past. i trusted too easily, that was my fault. i closed the gap right away and i was the one who put 10 miles into that space. my fault. fine, blame me. i had my own reasons as to why that friendship is lost. i didn't want to lose it, but there were circumstances that i had to act. right now, the essence of the word "friend" is vague. if this gap continues to grow bigger, sooner or later, our friendship will be distant.

the reason is to why i lose my guy friends is that the word "love" enters the scene. asking questions that are beyond my thinking scares me. after the june incident, i didn't anymore want to entertain questions, knowing that it will never happen (if you really know me, you would know why). it irritates (sorry for the word) me that people overlook that problem, thinking that they would be the one to break that gap between me and my parents, especially on that subject. putting that in cue will trigger the other side of yumi, the one you won't expect to see. the personality that will make you hate me.

ok. now i regret writing the last 3 paragraphs.

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devil-ish

>> Wednesday, March 09, 2005

i snapped at my piano teacher today. and i am darn proud of it.

here's how it happened. i'll just post my conversation with ina online. i'm too lazy to retype everything. besides, i should be reading the prince for our report tomorrow.

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yumipitz (9:46:31 PM): ay.. kwento ko yung nangyari sa piano lessons kanina.. haha.. sobrang laugh trip.
irina928 (9:46:36 PM): hay buhay nga naman... kami rin sa VMM sobrang cram ng coreo eh.
irina928 (9:46:41 PM): sige sige! hehe
yumipitz (9:47:10 PM): kasi nagrerehearse na kami para sa recital next week.
yumipitz (9:47:19 PM): eh di shempre cram sa pagmememorize ng piyesa.
yumipitz (9:47:41 PM): eh etong teacher ko, baliw (literally). gusto niya, style niya.. (pero sabi niya, i'm free to choose my style.. labo din nya)
yumipitz (9:47:53 PM): so ginagawa ko yung gusto ko mangyari sa pyesa ko.
yumipitz (9:48:11 PM): tapos sasabihin niya, "no!! you're so careless! this is how to do it."
yumipitz (9:48:32 PM): so ako, pinipigil ko yung sarili ko na hindi mag-burst or anything..
yumipitz (9:48:51 PM): so kanina, sobrang napuno na ako.
yumipitz (9:49:33 PM): eh loko yung teacher ko.. hindi naman niya ako tinuruan nung fingering ng mga nota, so ako yung nagsulat ng fingering sa piyesa ko.
yumipitz (9:49:52 PM): tapos kung kelan ayos na lahat at nasanay na ako.. bigla niyang papalitan. kaya nainis ako.
irina928 (9:50:20 PM): heehehe
yumipitz (9:50:31 PM): hinahawakan niya yung mga daliri ko habang nagpipiano para "ayusin" yung fingering. eh nainis ako... paghinahawakan niya, pumipiglas ako.
yumipitz (9:50:37 PM): tapos ginagawa ko yung gusto ko.
yumipitz (9:51:13 PM): haha.. ang salbahe ko talaga.
irina928 (9:51:33 PM): hehehe. tapos?
yumipitz (9:51:36 PM): tapos pag nagsasalita siya, hindi ako nakikinig. sasabihin niya "you are not listening!"
yumipitz (9:52:10 PM): sa loob-loob ko lang.. "eh hindi ka rin naman nakikinig pag tumutugtog ako eh. daldal ka lang ng daldal tapos aawayin mo ko na mali yung ginagawa ko.. sino kaya yung mali don?"
irina928 (9:52:10 PM): dapat sinagot mo "talaga!"
yumipitz (9:52:51 PM): tapos kanina talaga hindi ko na napigilan sarili ko.
yumipitz (9:53:03 PM): nung sinabi niya na "no, you start here"
yumipitz (9:53:30 PM): sabi ko "I WANT TO START HERE." dadagdagan ko sana ng "you have a problem with that?" kaso wag nalang.
yumipitz (9:53:31 PM): hehehe
irina928 (9:53:53 PM): hahahaha..
irina928 (9:54:07 PM): oh my gosh. siguro sobrang nakakainis talaga ng teacher mo para gawin mo yun
yumipitz (9:54:17 PM): ay sobra.
yumipitz (9:54:26 PM): ilang meetings narin ako nagpipigil.
irina928 (9:55:13 PM): may atitude na si yumi! orayt!
irina928 (9:55:15 PM): there is it!
yumipitz (9:57:44 PM): there is it!!!
irina928 (9:57:51 PM): ahh..
yumipitz (9:57:59 PM): winner. sobrang tuwang-tuwa nanay ko.. haha, kung siya daw yon, nagwalk out na daw siya
irina928 (9:58:41 PM): naks! okey. aprub naman pala si mader
yumipitz (10:00:02 PM): tama! kasi one time, nagsit in siya sa loob ng kwarto. sobrang natakot daw siya. di daw niya maintindihan kung paano ko daw natitiis yung teacher ko. tapos natatawa siya sa facial expression ko. laging stoic.
irina928 (10:02:22 PM): ano nga ulit ang stoic?
yumipitz (10:02:53 PM): as in walang expression.
irina928 (10:03:40 PM): ah! haha... di ko maimagine. napaka "full of life" mo pa naman
yumipitz (10:03:58 PM): pero yng mata ko, sobrang halatang inis na
irina928 (10:04:09 PM): ahhh gets ko na. naiimagine ko na!
yumipitz (10:04:23 PM): hahaha
yumipitz (10:04:27 PM): madali lang gawin diba!

===========================

there you go. judge yumi now.

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library or home? study...

>> Thursday, March 03, 2005

i miss those days when i spent my nights in the library, studying. hehe. i find that it is more effective to study in the library because there are no distractions. the only thing i have on the library desk is the readings i have to read (obviously) and nothing else. whereas, i have the computer, the internet, the television and the refrigerator calling me to use them whenever i am at home.

just like right now. i'm supposed to read my philosophy handouts but i am tapping away at my laptop, writing an entry on my blog. the reading is not bad, better than ricouer (is my spelling right? don't care.. hehe) or pieper. or maybe i haven't reached the boring part yet.

tomorrow, i won't be sleeping on my bed. cerz, dette and i will be sleeping at ina's house because we'll leave quezon city before the sun rises. we have to finish shooting our film for sir badong before lunch time so that ina can catch the premier night of "lady of manaoag". i hope our film goes out well.

i hope i don't get called for philo tomorrow. or if i do, i hope i have an answer to his questions. see yah all tomorrow. at least we won't have to see butts and fronts for sir badong's film. teeheehee. "dogville" seems fascinating. cool set design. ;)

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