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tis the season to be jolly

>> Wednesday, December 29, 2004

last december 24 was my happiest christmas eve ever.

i was part of our church's christmas concert. we always have our traditional concerts one day before the big christmas bash. two christmases ago, i was also part of it, but i never felt the excitement of being part of something big. but this year was different.

last month, bro eugene told me that the choir needed more singers for the concert. since i knew how to read notes, it would be easy for me to catch up with the rest of the singers. i grabbed the opportunity since i left my previous choir and my vocal chords were rusting already. i joined them during their last rehearsal.

two weeks before the show, we had a series of rehearsals with the whole cast. the concert consisted of spiels by raymond lauchengco, zaq, goya and tess. they would talk about their christmas memories then in the middle of those spiels, they would sing some songs. it didn't necessarily have to be christmas songs, just songs that made them remember christmas. it ranged from getting lost in hongkong, a marriage, carolling, roller coasters, and an airplane. then they made a segway to the true meaning of christmas which was Christ's birth. then, the finale was the choir. we would enter from the audience, carrying flashlights that looked like candles. every 5 steps, we would enter one by one until we reached the stage. at the end of our songs, conffetti would rain down.

we ended 10 pm for every rehearsal. raymond did not want us to go home late so that we would not strain our voices. he even gave us a vacation the day before our show.

on the 24th, everybody was alive and kicking on our call time. we arrived 12 noon sharp to do a run-through and minor adjustments. i was so excited because i was proud to say that i am really a part of something this christmas. the run through was so perfect with all the videos and smoke machines. it was like the real thing, except that we were all in our casual clothes, slippers and unruly hair.

2 hours before the show, everybody was getting ready. the girls were in one corner of the dressing room fixing our hair and putting on make-up. they put in interest on my long hair and decided to play with it. they got out a brush and hair straightener (ano ba plancha sa english?) and pulled my hair in different directions. some were not contented with the make-up i put on my face. it was too light, daw. after my hair, they transferred to my face and fixed my make-up. the guys saw our commotion and came to look at what was happening. someone from the ladies told the guys to wear light make-up or else their faces would not seen with all those lights. they snatched the foundation and powder from us and started to experiment. minutes later, the guys looked like they were ready to be buried in funeraria paz. hehe. girls came to the rescue to fix their white faces. placing make-up on the guys took longer than fixing ourselves. but it was fun.

during the show, we never thought about our notes anymore. we just enjoyed the whole thing and what we learned the past weeks came in naturally.

i was happy with the results but at the same time i was feeling sad because that was the only day i got to bond with the people. after the show, we would go our separate ways. there would no more be late rehearsals and food trips. no more duck talks with alexis and joke times with the guys. there will be no more karaoke periods during breaks and silly questions like "bakit, ano, kelan?"

beep. beep.

a text message. we will sing again on sunday! whee! another day with the choir! yipeedoo!

i just can't give up now
come so far from where i'm started from
nobody told me the road would be easy
i can't believe he brought me this far to leave me

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happy stress-day to you

>> Monday, December 20, 2004

if it weren't for jace, i wouldn't have known that there was something due tomorrow. and the thing is, i can't pass anything without having consultations with sir. i couldn't find a common time with cerz and ina to meet up in sir's studio in kamuning so we decided to meet next year. but no, the deadline for consultations were last friday. and today's monday. so 3 days late. uh-oh. panic. no consultation, no homework, no grade.

so i texted sir and bargained with him for last minute consultations. i guess he was annoyed with me because i kept texting him minute after minute (well, not literally). i couldn't contain myself with all the panic rushing through me that i was in a bad mood the whole time. finally, sir gave in and decided to meet me in robinson's metro east. in frio mixx beside the cinemas. 4 pm.

i got lost in robinsons. robinsons is in front of sta lucia mall. and the entrance is side by side so if you're unfamiliar with the place, you would think that the two driveways were leading to one mall. but no. we ended up parking in sta lu and we got lost looking for the entrance of robinsons. we kept on walking in circles inside sta lu. we spent 15 minutes looking for a way that connected sta lu to robinsons. wala pala. nice.

we went out again, went around the whole mall until we found the real entrance of robinsons. at last.

sir was already there, looking annoyed. but his face loosened up when he saw that i was with my parents. (hah, natakot siguro) so chika-chika. we got to the proposals and the things needed to be submitted tomorrow. we ended at 5 pm. but we stayed when sir left to fix his things for his trip tomorrow to somewhere. we decided to eat our dinner there, since we were already in a restaurant.

i had to rush to crossroad after that because i had rehearsals for our christmas presentation on friday. i arrived 630 (30 minutes late from the 6pm call time) and raymond lauchengco (the director) was not in good terms. he was pissed off because everyone came in late (guilty ako) so they couldn't start on time. but raymond tried to keep peace with us since it was our first major rehearsal. we practiced our blocking, entrances, and exits. then he called it a day so that tomorrow, it will be a full blast rehearsal.

arrrghh.. now i'm cramming my proposals with ina. my head's aching.

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karistmas partey

>> Saturday, December 18, 2004

yesterday, we had our block christmas party. it was another chance to see all the people who were/are part of the block in one place, one event. even if people came in different time intervals, the block was still complete. i wab shu guys!

awards night uli ako...

jace > for the bag and white board. hehe. panay drawing na yung board, hindi reminders. haha. christmas break kasi eh, walang makukulit na teachers. haha. did ya like the book? buti nalang di ka sumama sa sub text, kung hindi, di namin yon mabibili. hahaha.

edlyn and jiheyn > wakeroo!! another ateneo jacket! this time, with the word ateneo on it! hahaha.. wala nang angal nanay ko. sabi niya "waw! ang ganda ng jacket! feeling atenista ka ha! ay, may ateneo sa likod..."

darls > yipee! feeling bata uli ako, kasama ko natulog ang racoon. hehe. wala pa pala akong pangalan for the stuffed toy. hmmm... at least may kasama na si watson pag wala ako! haha

ceres > bagong hikaw! dangling pa! girlash na girlash na ako!

hanniel > sing-along na ako! weee aarrree daaaa riiisssooonnn daaatt heee gaaayybb hiiiss laaayyyp!

liezl > stuffed toy uli! haha. this time, it's a panda. a black and white panda. nyork, lahat naman ng panda black and white. labo yumi

kim > aaahh... sarap ng iyong massager (or whatever you call it) habang nanood ako ng tv kagabi, inantok na ako. pero nung minasahe nanay ko yung likod ko, haha. tawa ako nang tawa. hindi ako pwede sa spa. hehe. hanggang braso lang ako at legs.

billy > sorry about the venue, we couldn't find you sa rock garden kaya we went back to ctc. hehe

chino > don't worry about it. it's the thought that counts. buti nga nakarating ka pa eh

danielle > thanks for coming! block e ka talaga! thanks din sa drinks. hehe

abi > yung gift ni cerz sayo, nasa akin pa. hehe. nakalimutan ko ibigay sayo. sa january nalang.

chika > looong time nooo seeee! shempre, nung nagkita tayo, cards parin inatupag natin. haha. hindi nawawala ang cards

maan at jan > as sweet as always. thanks for coming! salamat narin sa brownies! hehe

abet > ang tnt namin. pa-cute talaga sa picture. ganda ng picture mo, kasama sila edlyn at jihan! tama, pwede ibigay sa whatta mouth!

loi > isa pa 'tong long time no see.

mitch > pizza! pizza! salamat sa pizza! saka sa iyong paglaro ng tong-its. hindi na ka makakalimutan ni jihan.

xander > we lab shu! haha. grabe, biruin mo, si xander pumunta sa christmas party ng block! how sweet! may secretary ba ng dept na ganyan? wala, kami lang meron nyan!

wala na akong nakalimutan diba?????

yehey! thanks block e!

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wet tissue

>> Wednesday, December 15, 2004

i poured everything out during my guidance interview this morning. i also realized that i do have a lot of issues especially at home.

independence was the main topic of my conversation with ma'am belle (my counselor). now that i'm in college, i have always strived for independence especially from my mother. it seems that my parents does not treat me like they should treat a teenager. they still think that i'm still a kid, sitting on their lap. so every move i make is noticed. whatever i do, there should be be approval from them first. they would get mad whenever i do things my way. i am a puppet whenever i'm with them. well, even if i am in school, their presence haunts me. i have to text them when i eat outside. i have to tell them when i go to somebody's house. then i have to assure them that i have arrived school. they should know always where am i. i feel trapped with that situation. of course, it's hard to make decisions on my own because my parents will always have a say on it. any stupid mistake will result in a confrontation and a long sermon. they do not let me suffer the consequences so that i will learn from my mistakes. they tell me everything what i have to do without letting me expreience the real life. it's like giving me a book on how to ride a bike without letting me ride one. whenever i want to deal with a situation all by myself, i always have to submit a progress report (well, not literally) to my parents for them to check whether i made the right decision or not. and always, ALWAYS, they butt in and confront the situation as if it is their life. just like this afternoon. i told my teacher that i don't want to play tarantella for my recital because i have played that for 4 times already. sir and i had an agreement that he would give me a lot of pieces and i would be the one to choose the one i like. now here is the very annoying part. when i came out of the room, my mother barged in the room and confronted my teacher about the tarantella piece. she kept on talking and talking. i could not butt in and tell her that we have settled a decision already. why couldn't i be left in peace? WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS HAVE TO INTERFERE?

the greatest problem that made me cry was when the topic on friends was opened. my mother has high expectations when it comes to my friends. she doesn't like my friends from church and some of my friends from school. it seems that she doesn't understand that i know who my friends are. she sees them in first impressions and lets it stick. her closed mindedness on friends suffocates me so much that i tend to rebel sometimes. doesn't she know that there are no perfect friends? there will be some flaws in some of them, but it doesn't mean that they are less of a friend. she doesn't understand that. she always compare my friends from her friends which always annoy me. people are different and i don't care of her friends. this is my life and my friends. i choose them, not you. and it's as if she does not want me to have guy friends. at all. oh come on, i've been in an all-girls' school and for 4 years i was surrounded by girls whom i could not relate to. whenever i talk to guys and see that i am having fun with them, she thinks that i am flirting with them. she tells me that it gives them an idea that i like them or what. but she doesn't understand the fact that i am looking for a brother figure no matter how many times i try to explain. she tells me why not talk to my dad? a teenager friend who knows what i am going through is different from talking to a grown-up. older guy friends is an assurance that they can be brothers. they know that i see them only as friends an not more than that. that is why i don't have any suitors because they know that i'm not ready for any commitment. but geez, my mother does not think so. that what makes me so angry. rebelling like inviting them to school for lunch or just a short chit-chat makes me feel like a human because i have someone to talk to. and some of them have known me since i was in grade school that's why they know what i'm going through. i have trust in them that all my secrets are safe. but my mother does not approve of them. oh great.

that's why i'm in a difficult situation. i present two different personalities: one at home and a different one when i'm in school. i am only able to be myself when i'm in school because that's the only freedom i have for that day. well, not total freedom because i still have to update my every move to my parents. i cannot be myself when i'm at home because it will be of no use when i tell them what i really want in my life. it will always lead to a long argument and i will always be left in silence so that it will all be over. i have no say when i'm at home. i don't get my side heard because they won't listen. yes, they do hear it, but they still shove the things in my mouth they want to hear from me. so i tell them what makes them happy, not what makes me happy. i just don't want more heated discussions because i will lead to nowhere.

i don't know when will this end. i'm fearing for my future after college. what if they're still like that? what if they still treat me like a 2-year old kid? i'm trying very hard to make life easy for them and i'm trying to keep it that way until i graduate. i can wait patiently until i walk the aisle. but the future for me is still a blur. what if i work already? do i still have to tell them when i'm in the office already?

i can't stop the tears.

this is the other side of yumi.

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we really do not know

>> Tuesday, December 14, 2004



geez. months ago, he was alive and kicking, and had all the strength when he ran for presidency last may. 2 days ago, the whole philippines was shocked to hear that he suffered a stroke and was confined in st. luke's hospital. then he was in comatose. and now, he's dead. the king of film is now with his creator.

i wasn't really a fan of fpj. and i didn't appreciate his candidacy for president. however, after the breaking news, i could not help feel sorry for da king. i mean, he could have been stronger if he did not bother to run last may. i jumped into a conclusion on why he suffered a stroke. maybe he was depressed because of the millions he lost because of the elections. it may have caused him to drink to forget his problems. he could've led a quiet life if he didn't run for the highest position in the country.

but why play on the emotions of his fans? why did they still have to push on the fact that they have to continue the fight? man, the guy's dead already.

maybe it's better if we remember his good deeds as an actor, director, and producer and follow his example than push for another fpj to the seat of the president.

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to kuya

>> Monday, December 13, 2004

having someone to talk to is better than keeping a journal. or better yet, an online journal. your get instant feedbacks, comments, and suggestions when you have a conversation with somebody.

i poured out all my insights and rantings to my friend. i kept on talking and talking, telling everything, without thinking of what was going out of my mouth. i just kept on going on and on. he just sat there, not saying a word, just listening every minute that passed. i knew it was a burden for him that i was raising my voice to someone who had no clue on what i was really going on with my life. he was just picking up details that came from me. he comforted me, telling me that it's just part of my life. i may be too tired from the events that i am going through, but giving in to my feelings will make a big fat loser. (it reminds me of the myth of sisyphus.. hah, philo) he told me that i should accept the fact that it is life.

i knew he had other things to finish, like his advertising project, yet he still took the time to give me advice. he never runs out of comforting words to keep me alive for a day.

after my drama, i was not in the mood. i was supposed to tell my rantings here in my blog. but after talking to him, my outcome changed, and now, i'm in a good mood.

thanks.

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boys

>> Thursday, December 09, 2004

people always tease me of having a lot of boys. well, i have noticed it, i do have a lot of friends who are guys. it does not make me a tom-boy or something of that sort, but they incorporate it of having a lot of "rivers" (haha.)

i explained everything during our group interpretation in the guidance office last tuesday.

everyone knows that i am an only child. it's a weird fact that i have never asked for a younger brother or sister, just an older brother. i know it's impossible to have a kuya, but that was my ultimate wish since i was a kid. my cousin who is also an only child wanted to have an older brother too. i don't know where i got that idea of wanting a brother, i just did.

so everytime i have friends who have kuyas, i easily get along with them. i enjoy calling them "kuya". and when i reached high school, i was enrolled in an all-girls' school. so whenever there were soirees or interactions, my friends were looking for crushes while i was seeking an older brother. so when i had a friend from the other school who is a boy, people started teasing me with him. boyfriend ko daw. but there wasn't any feeling of like or something. i was just "close" with guys.

i had more guy friends when i joined sunday school in church. right now, most of my closest friends are guys. it's as if i am more open with them than with my other friends who are girls. others see it as 'boylets' but they know that i see them as kuyas. i had an agreement with one of my guy friends that i would be his little sister and he would be my big brother. so whenever we would meet or text each other, i always start the conversation with "hey big bro!" i also call my other friends "kuya" so that they will know that that's how i see them. as my big brothers.

it really doesn't matter whether or not my blockmates and friends tease me with guys, what matters is that i know that there will be nothing else beyond that friendship. they're my kuyas. that's why when something comes up and i beat the hell out of them, communication falters after that incident.

kuya. kuya. kuya.

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not a back-"yard" but a back-"kilometer"

>> Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The winds blew and the rain fell nonstop. I could hear the trees resisting the typhoon Yoyong from uprooting them from the ground. They stood still and firm while the leaves swayed and tried to hold on to the branches. Swooooosh! Whhoooooo!!! The wind sang mercilessly and blew with all her might. She made sure that she did not miss any spot without ramming into any tree or house. Two days after, I stared out the window to check on the trees if they were still there. The trees were still there, beaten and tired from the typhoon, and the ground was a sea of fallen leaves and branches. Uh-oh. I said to myself. If great grandpa Lolo Andres were still here, he would have shaken his fist to the skies and scolded the typhoon for messing up his backyard. My Lolo had a deep relationship and passion for his trees.
Our backyard has been around way back since I was born. Lolo Andres was the one who bought the land and built a small house to fit a small family. He did not want a magnificent house on a large piece of land. Instead, he erected a two-story house on a small area of the lot and created a mini forest on the rest of the barren land. 80% of the land was used for business. He set up a poultry house, a pig farm, and a forest of fruit trees in his backyard. Months after, meat sellers from the market flocked our house to buy pigs, chicken, geese, and poultry eggs. Lolo Andres became famous for his farm, but he was more proud of his trees.
As soon as he settled down with his wife, Lolo Andres started to plant different kinds of seeds on the newly tilled soil. He would water them everyday, talk to them, and make sure that his plants would get all the sunlight needed. Great grandmother Lola Agatona told me (years later when I was born and when we lived with them) that sometimes, Lolo Andres would water his seeds with urine because he believed that there are a lot of minerals in it. The seeds grew into the biggest trees you would ever see in the whole subdivision. The trees bloomed the sweetest fruits during harvest period. My grandparents did anymore have to buy fruits from the market because they had an abundant supply from their trees. Lolo Andres did not throw the leftovers in the trashcan, he buried the seeds again so that it will sprout new trees. The skins of the fruits went with the seeds for fertilizer. As time passed our backyard became a mini forest.
When I was born decades after, my mom and dad moved in with Lolo Andres and Lola Agatona. I began to join Lolo Andres with his journey with his trees. He let me use his mango tree as a tree house and the shade of the kamias tree as a mini store. I would create a village with the trees. The ducks and the geese were my playmates and I would pretend that I had a family of my own. But the ants invaded my tree house and I was left homeless. I evacuated to another mango tree that fell during a storm (but the roots were still intact to the ground). I didn’t want to be confined in a house all my play life, I wanted to travel and explore other trees. With all those trees planted in our backyard, there was still a patch of land that had no trees. Dad cemented it and became my road. I had go-cart races with my cousins, bike races, and marathons. I never got tired of playing in our backyard, there were a lot of things to explore and discover.
Sadly, Lolo Andres died on his 94th birthday. Lola Agatona left for the province after Lolo Andres was buried. She stayed there with her other siblings until she, too, left the world. His trees were left in our care. My parents sold the last of the pigs, chickens, and geese to Lolo’s suki. But my dad did not want to cut down the trees so there will be memories of Lolo Andres left with us. We were the ones who maintained his “seeds of hard work”.
I still continued to play with the trees. However, I knew there was something different. There were geese and chickens following me, there was no more a Lolo Andres who was looking after me, and there were no more free eggs from the poultry for snacks. My parents also had a hard time maintaining the big backyard and had to hire some of our neighbors to cut the branches and sweep the fallen leaves. We could not imagine how Lolo Andres took care of the whole lot without getting tired. We always try our best to keep our backyard as how Lolo Andres would maintain it, but we couldn’t.
Every harvest period, tons and tons of fruit bloom in the trees. My parents would give away excess fruit to neighbors, relatives, and friends. We never ran to the groceries to buy fruits (except for apples and grapes), there was always a fresh one waiting on the branches. Whenever we saw a flower, we would always wait in excitement for that flower to turn into a sweet-tasting fruit from Lolo Andres’s labor of love. Even if he is gone, his memories will always remain in the trees standing in our backyard.
Imagine at least twenty trees positioned in your backyard. They are not crammed up, nor are they small trees or shrubs. I’m talking of trees such as mango, coconut, chico, cocoa, papaya, jackfruit, suha, kamias, star fruit, atis, etc. Give space for new trees that will grow because of fallen seeds. Then squeeze in an open space as large as a tennis court in the middle of the trees for playing tag, morning exercises, first experiences such as riding a bike, elocution rehearsals, and go-cart racing. Possible for a backyard? Maybe not in your house, but that’s how my backyard looks like. All because of my Lolo Andres.

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knees shaking

>> Monday, December 06, 2004

last saturday, we had a major rehearsal with the over-all director, missy maramara. it was two weeks since i had my last rehearsal with the rest of the actors but we haven't had our blockings yet with cerz. so, as soon as we arrived at ateneo, we made last minute blocking with cerz as our director. it was stressing because we (especially me) could not get it right. karla kept on texting dana that we should be there at her house (the rehearsals were at karla's house). we only left ateneo when manong knocked at the painting room, asking for our reservation slip. we told him that xander gave us permission to use the classroom but we left anyway, so not to cause too much trouble. we thought we were the only ones that they were waiting for.

but no.

missy wasn't there yet. the actors were not complete and the rest were joking around, eating, and smoking. wow. we were stressed with the last minute touches, but the rest were stuffing themselves with pizza. how nice. it stressed us more because we thought that everyone was prepared with their plays. so we went out the lawn and had a mini discussion on the blocking.

missy arrived 30 minutes after. (we were supposed to meet 11 but missy arrived at 2. we arrived 1:30pm.) the rehearsals started and i couldn't contain myself. it was my first time to act infront of an audience (even if it was only a small number of people) and i didn't know whether or not i would get my lines right or remember all that cerz told us hours ago. our turn came and i left everything to my memory. i tried to act without the script, bahala na si batman.

yes, i did forget the blocking. i ended up sitting infront of one of the actors to the point that she could not be scene from an angle. i butted in during one line where i wasn't supposed to talk. i forgot when and where to turn. but, i was proud that i was able to say my lines 89% correct. hehehe... it was my first stage presentation with acting. boy, having stage fright really sucks.

making it to the cast of dana's play is not about getting the role, it's my way to be able to conquer my fear of acting. since i was small, i wanted to be part of a play but i have never got the guts to audition for one. after getting the role of nica makes me one step higher in accomplishing my goal of entering a play, even if i get to be one of the chorus. i'm not dreaming of becoming a lead. just be part of a musical production, and stepping on the wooden stage is enough for me.

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whoopeedooo... no classes... no philo!!

>> Friday, December 03, 2004

2 nights ago, i had a chat with ichie. i promised her that i would edit a poem someone gave her. it was about a red rose and how "whitely" that rose was. hehehe. we were discussing how a red rose became white. that's why i got the idea of revising it.

i know i'm not good with love poems, but here's my best shot.

ETERNAL ROSE

emerging from the barren soil
a white bud -- you
innocent, dove-like features
let the wind, sun and sky be your guide

the bast and eternal soul of the heavens
pours down its blessings on your pure soul
staining it red
remember
i am your rain

heart-shaped droplets touch your petals
showering you with my love
it comes
red-rose kisses

wind-blown petals fall to the ground
a part of you fades into the darkness
don't despair
look!
your rose arms are spreading
extending to the world beyond
embracing new feats in life

now, a full-grown rose
as red as your lips
full of life
full of love
i am with you
in you
never to be lonely again
my love, yes, you are

i will love you
till eternity comes to an end
my love, i shall love you

==========================================

geez, i'm not really good with those. hehehe. anyway...

yoyong, go away!!

check out my lj, jace just changed my layout. whopeedoo!! thanks jace!
no one mourns the wicked

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together in sonata op 36 no 4 in F major

>> Thursday, December 02, 2004

i now have a throb for my drama class. thanks to my piano teacher in up, sir roy asuncion (wahaha.. special mention!).

yesterday, i started my piano lessons in up. it was not my normal piano lesson, because usually, the teacher would ask me to play before giving me a new piece to study. however, yesterday, my teacher asked me to play a piece that i knew from my sonata book. he told me that each piece has its story to tell. the composer did not just write the pianissimo there for the sake of dynamics, there had to be a reason. so for the whole hour of lesson (which was supposed to be 30 mins only), sir provided the story while i played the background music.

after the lessons, i began to have the idea of making the piano piece into a play. why not?

the summary is about the journey of the left and the right hand. they are travelling through the path of the black and white made up of ivory. they do not know what to expect along the way or where will their emotions take them. it's a journey of ups and downs, arguments and laughter.

i even don't know the ending because sir and i haven't made the story of the last 3 movements. it took us an hour to make up a story for the first 2 movements. we're going to continue the story next wednesday. maybe by then, i would know the ending of my story.

so, here's my throb. read along. these will be my guidelines when i write my play.

1. details of experience
-piano lessons
-piano piece: sonatina op 34 no 4 in F major

2. narrative premise
-2 friends (the left and right hand)
-journey though the path of black and white made of ivory
-roads that they will take are named measures, systems, and movements

3. treatment
-if i can pull it off, i'll try to make it a comedy
-but i'm sure that the play will definitely be a musical

4. title
- together in sonata op 34 no 4 in F major

5. rationale (why the story?)
-making a story about a piano piece would help me feel each crescendo and decrescendo, piano and forte, each dotted half note or sixteenth note. so that i won't have to play by the book, i would be the notes and play them by heart. (yeahyeah... drama.. hehe.. but true)

6. statement
-a writer writes a story with the use of words, and a composer with notes.

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